Confidence kills

So I have been quiet for a long time. I fell away from my goals. There were a number of reasons, working two jobs again, a new man in my life, and the biggest reason, lack of confidence that I could actually meet my goals. As I let go of my goals I also let down a couple friends who were looking for support from me and to them I would like to apologize. I know that they are continuing their journies in their individual ways and I want them to know that even though I am not accomplishing my own goals, I am here for them whenever they need someone. 

I am not sure where this lack of confidence in myself is coming from. In all other areas of my life things are going great. I am finally dating someone who I respect, and who respects me, someone who makes me laugh, has similar interests, and who has gotten a seal of approval from friends and family. Something that has never before happened in my life. For the first time I feel like I have a fulfilling relationship, and it is wonderful. It is helping me to regulate my mood (something that has always been difficult for me) in all other areas in my life. In my career I'm more organized than I have been ever before. I am learning new curriculum, keeping on top of student learning and behaviors, and have even taken on a technology coordinator position in my building. I am feeling confident in my work. 

So why am I lacking confidence? Why have I stopped going to the gym? I guess I'm lazy, or maybe I let life get in the way. I don't have an answer. I just know I need to start going again. I find that I miss it. I was feeling so good physically. I think if I start going back and feel good physically and mentally than I will be unstoppable. 

Time to start out small once again. This weeks goal, go to the gym twice for at least 40 minutes each time. Hmm...look at the time, I could go right now....

Motivation is key

I always find it interesting how life happens. You can be low as low
can be one minute, and then happy as can be the next. Not only do you
go through these changes, but those close to you do as well.

For quite a while this year I was doing well. I was finding success
with my career, and even started to work on improving my mind and
body. I wasn't as concerned with how much time I was alone and feeling
lonely. I was on a roll. I was doing great. Then I had to start
searching for a new job. My schedule changed and I didn't have time to
go to the gym as often as I wanted. I was working both jobs and
starting to feel down. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped thinking
about what I was eating. I worried all the time about my future and my
job situation. I wasn't feeling any joy. It was horrible.

I finally made an appointment with my trainer, and met with her after
not seeing her for a couple weeks, and not going into the gym. It was
hard work. I had really started doing better and moving better. It
felt like a huge setback, what I could do two weeks before was far
harder than I thought it should be. I will admit I gave up a little. I
have been in contact with my trainer, but between our schedules we
haven't been able to work out a time to work out.

I even started to look around at all of my friends, most of who are in
happy relationships. I started to feel disconnected from them, as if I
wasn't good enough to hang out with them because of all I was lacking.
These feelings have happened to me many times before. 32 11/12 is a
lonely age.

While all of this was going on I spent a lot of time with friends.
This friend is making amazing positive changes in her life. She is
working on improving her mind and body by going back to school and
losing weight. She is planning a wedding to a guy who I think is
perfect for her. A guy who when he bought the ring texted me because
he was so excited about how pretty it was and how he couldn't wait to
give it to her. She is rocking life. She is motivated.

This got me thinking. Motivation is key. Maybe what I need is a little
more motivation. Or maybe I just operate better when I'm happy and on
an even keel emotionally. An interesting thought to ponder. Over the
past week, my outlook has gotten brighter, will that help my
motivation?

Last week I had multiple job interviews. I heard from an inside source
that I would be offered a job at one of them. 5 days later I got the
official call from central office offering me a job teaching fourth
grade at a school I have previously taught at and loved. Sweet!
Immediate financial/career future secured.

I still haven't been to the gym. I have tomorrow afternoon off from
work and I am going to find my way in to do something physical. The
more I think about it the more I owe it to myself to get back in gear.
Yes it will be hard, but isn't it worth it? I was feeling so proud of
my progress, my range of motion had improved, I had more energy (kind
of scary as ADD as I am but still), and I was more positive about
life, so why not go back and try again. As Bob says, "Baby steps, Dr.
Marvin, Baby steps!"

As for being alone and lonely, maybe there is a glimmer of light...had
a couple of enjoyable dates with a guy who makes me laugh, gets my
humor, is college educated, handsome (in my opinion), and wonder of
wonders thinks there is something about me that is worth knowing, and
getting to know better. Where is it going to go? Who knows, but I'm
certainly feeling pretty good about myself.

So, motivation is key. But what I now need to figure out is the
motivation enough, or do I need to couple motivation with happiness to
find success?

What do you think?

Down

Ever had one of those weeks where your goals aren't being met? Where everything feels like it's crashing down on you and you can't breathe? A week where the stupidest littlest thing cuts you apart and drives you to your vice? Ever had a week where you realize that hope is an evil thing?

I'm having one right now.

It started on Monday when I accidentally slept through my appointment with my trainer. Somehow I had it in my head that I was meeting her at 11, nope 8:30. No big deal rescheduled and went on Tuesday. Haven't been back to the gym this week. I also cannot stop eating. When I weighed myself this morning I had gained back what I lost last week and put on 5 pounds in addition to it. Strike one.

Next I had to start getting ready for summer school which is making me feel overwhelmed. 3 programs that I have never used before, and a 4th that I have no primary experience with, on top of not having taught literacy in two years. I also got a few application rejection letters this week, which is stressing me out because I'm afraid I won't find a job for the fall. Strike two.

I also am always on a quest to find companionship. I'm lonely. Of my close friends I'm the only singleton. That means I spend a lot of time alone. So of course I frequent those free online dating sites. I know, I know, its risky, but hey I'm socially awkward and don't leave the house much so how else will I meet people? Anyway on Sunday a guy messaged me and we started chatting. I thought it was nice, this went on for a few days. It seems that guys that contact me on these sites only want one thing. For a long time I went along with that. I figured, hey I'm fat, I need to take what I can get. I would comply, and sometimes I even enjoyed it, but a lot of the time I didn't, and there were even times when I said no and was bullied into consent. But that isn't the story here. So during the conversation the 'in real life' meeting topic came up. Boy was I excited. I haven't been on a date in 6 or 7 months and we were talking about going to a Sea Dogs game...my favorite dating site. So we were setting up the details for my next day off when I decided that I needed to give him some honesty. I told him how I am more comfortable talking over anonymous forums like texting or email (or blogs apparently), and that I might be shy and awkward at first because it takes time for me to be comfortable around new people. It was nothing against him, it is just who I am. I also told him that I wasn't down with anything besides a game, a meal, and conversation on our first outing. Reasonable right? Guess not. His reply "ok then, take care." I've heard nothing since.

Sadly though that wasn't my strike three. I was actually kind of ok with that. I felt like I had dodged a bullet. That I wasn't going to be putting myself in the same position I've been in so many times where I feel like I have an obligation do do things. I was actually pretty proud of myself. Strike three happened tonight. I got home from work and was checking messages on my phone and noticed I had a message from one of the dating sites. I always love that moment. It is so exciting, it breeds some hope in my heart. Maybe someone wants to get to know me, or thinks I'm funny. I had a message last week from a guy in New York who just wanted to say, "Hey there, You're quite adorable, but I'm so far away! Hope you find what you're looking for on here...cheers!" Swoon a nice message and he even used correct grammar. needless to say I'm not deleting that. Tonight I got this message:

Strike three. I'm out.

My biggest enemy

This week I have realized that my best friend is also my biggest enemy. At the beginning

of this week I started to pay attention to what I am eating. I am counting calories and trying to stay under a daily goal. I succeeded 3 out of 4 days last week. On two of the days I went over my goal by only about 100 calories.

Every day this week I have weighed myself. I started the week at 310, at my lowest this week I was 304, I also got up to about 308. At my 'official' weigh in this morning I was at 306.4. I love the scale, and I hate it.

The day I read 304 I was jumping up and down with excitement. I was so close to finally getting back below 300 pounds. Very exciting. It means that I have the potential to weigh less than the next guy I date something that hasn't happened in years. Then when I saw it go back to 308 I sat down and cried. What was I doing wrong? Why had I failed so badly? I realize that weighing myself every day is not the best way to go. Everyone's weight fluctuates depending on the day and what is going on. It is still hard to deal with when you are trying to lose weight and be healthy. I am trying really hard to stay focused on the positive. If I lose an average of 2 pounds per week then I will have lost 100 pounds by this time next year. My gym going has given me better range of motion. I am able to do more and sustain longer when I am going to my training sessions. I met my calorie goal 3 times in the last week.

Staying positive is really hard for me to do. I have to do it though so that I can succeed. In the meantime, 4 dollars in the fat fund, and a new week to succeed in.

Madame scale, my best friend and biggest enemy, we will go another round later on.

One month later

I have been going to the gym for a month now. I am so proud of myself for keeping at it. My first small goal of making the gym a habit seems to have happened. It is now time to shift gears a little.

My first big goal is to run the Reiche International 5k in October. I realized that I should have other big goals that can be worked on simultaneously, otherwise what happens after October? Two of my good friends are on a weight loss journey for themselves. Once a week we video chat and talk about what is hard, what is easy, and set goals that we want to accomplish. One of the topics this week was motivation. So we started a competition to help motivate us, (I'm making it public because that will help motivate me)  where each pound we lose we put a dollar in a jar. We picked an end date, and at that time the person who has lost the most gets 60% of the money, second place 25%, third gets 15%. 

The competition coincided nicely with my decision to shift gears. Yes I'm getting stronger and my range of motion is improving with my gym going, but the race is going to be easier for me if I have less bulk to move. That means it is time to work on food goals. Since I'm a ridiculously stubborn and contrary individual, following any set plan just doesn't work for me. I hate restrictions. So I'm taking super baby steps. I am not restricting what I eat at all, I am starting by paying attention to the calories I consume. I'm using an app called my fitness pal which helps me log my food and exercise and counts my calories for me. It calculates other things too which I will focus on later, but logging my food will focus me and hold me accountable for the calories. I figure the eating healthier will come as I get hungry and my brain realizes I can eat more if it is better food!

Yesterday was my first day of logging food. It was super hard. I did fine during the day, took food to work and only ate what I brought (harder than you might think). It was after work that was the hardest. I went to the laundromat and was super hungry. It was late, I was cranky, and my stomach wouldn't stop rumbling. I really just wanted to go to McDonalds and get food. I kept telling myself that I could go if I wanted it, but I would have to log it, and did I really want to see my calorie count for the day skyrocket and not meet my goal? I am proud to say that I did not cave, and finished yesterday out within my calorie range for the day.

As for going to the gym I'm doing really well. I have been every day since last Thursday. My trainer gave me some homework and knowing I have an assignment is motivating. I do find that doing the exercises is harder without her there. I like the positive words of encouragement she gives me as I'm working, and for some reason it is easier to do the work when I don't have to keep count. I'm really excited about some of my homework though. I have to do a 20 minute walk on the beach once a week. The unstable surface of the sand will help to strengthen my weak knee and ankle.

So I have Wednesday off, who wants to go to the beach with me?

Weakness ensues

This week I haven't done well. I have been too lazy to go to the gym. Yes I can say that I am adjusting to a new schedule, working evenings instead of days, and that I'm giving myself time recover from the school year, but you and I both know those are excuses. I was lazy. Today I paid the price.

Today I met with my trainer for the first time in over a week. She went to a national track and field competition where she placed eighth in her event. I would include a link, but I can't find it :-( So as a result for a week I had no one to answer to. End of las
t week I did ok, made it to the gym with Becky. Even did most of a zumba class on Sunday until I got sick. Since then though I have done nothing.

Today I went in to meet Bo'B my trainer (her name is Becky, but to differentiate from a certain someone I know who is getting married next year, I will call my trainer Bo'B which are her initials anyway), I think it was the hardest session I have had yet, and not just because she changes up the exercises every time, but because I hadn't been moving and I think my muscles were getting weaker again.

When I arrived at the gym Bo'B and I  chatted for a bit. I told her that I wasn't feeling good about my progress this week. I always do better when there is someone who expects something of me, and with her being away it felt like I didn't have anyone to answer to, so I slacked off. I then did something that I have never in my life done, I asked for homework. I asked for one or two exercises that I can do at home or at the gym, that will continue to build my muscle and strengthen my weak body. Exercises that I can do even when I am too lazy to leave my house.  She is so great that she agreed to help and will be 'checking in' on my homework. I really lucked out when I chose her to be my trainer.

Today's session was really hard after not moving much the last few days. I was dripping with sweat (which I detest), but I did it. Bo'B even mentioned that she thought my range of motion was getting better. I am taking this as a win since I didn't want to go today and I had to force myself to leave the book I'm reading (by Tony Danza about his year teaching English). As always I feel better about myself because I did it.

I plan on hitting the gym tomorrow morning before work. I have a couple day passes, anyone want to come with me?

Rain, rain, go away

Today's weather fit my mood perfectly. We took our fifth graders on a fifth grade celebration field trip to Range Pond State Park today. All day it was dark, and overcast or raining. I think we saw the sun twice the whole day. The kids still had fun, there was swimming, volleyball, social time, and at least one 5' hole being dug.

To add to the clouds in the sky I had some in my head. See this week is the last week of school and I got the official word that I won't be back at Lyseth to teach fifth grade next year. This doesn't come as much of a surprise, after all I was hired on a one year only contract, and there have been teachers cut due to the budget, so it makes sense that a teacher whose job has been eliminated would transfer to the open position. In fact I have been saying all along that it was likely to happen. It is weird how even though I knew it was likely to happen, when I got the confirmation, it hurt. Yesterday, a fourth grade teacher delivered a letter to me from one of her students. This student was writing to  me because she thought I was going to be her teacher in fifth grade, and she was excited about it. I started to cry as I read the letter. I won't be that little girl's teacher. There is nothing worse than disappointing children.

Wait, I take that back there could be something worse, disappointing myself. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Trying to keep myself together in front of my kids is really hard and takes a toll on me, but I believe they deserve a teacher who is positive and focused on them, so I'm trying really hard. I walked out of school and just wanted to lay down and cry. I didn't want to go to the appointment with my trainer. I wanted to lay down and wallow in my sadness. I thought about it for a bit, and made myself get up, change and go in. I was even there 30 minutes early because I couldn't remember what time we had said. I walked for 20 minutes and then did my hour with my trainer.

I think that if I had wiggled out, made an excuse, and not gone I would have disappointed myself. I'm still sad, I still have time to wallow, but that isn't all I have done today. I have pushed myself. I have tried, and even though I'm not physically fit (AT ALL) I put in my best effort. Now I think I deserve to just sit down and cry a little.

Four times in one....

 No this isn't just a gratuitous shot of my amazing tattoo. This is a picture of fat. Lots of disgusting fat. Right now this particular fat, or rather the muscles underneath, are pretty sore. That's because I've been to the gym 4 times this week, and twice to see the trainer!

Today I got home from work and was really tired, and I did NOT want to go to the gym. I went though, and kept my appointment with the trainer without making up excuses. I am so proud of myself for going. I feel good, even though I'm sore. I actually did 60 crunches today. 60! This is unheard of. 

Feeling proud of myself for something I'm doing is a kind of new feeling for me. It could be argued that I have a lot to be proud of; I teach, I have a master's degree, and I'm a good friend and daughter. The thing is though, I do all of those things for other people. I teach because I enjoy watching children gain understanding and knowledge. I got my Master's degree so that I could be a better teacher. I'm a good friend and daughter because I care. I don't do any of those things for me. So even though I'm proud of what I have accomplished, they have never really generated a feeling of pride in me, and in who I am. Doing this, going to the gym, especially when I don't want to, is making me proud. It is making me think that I can do this, I can become fit. 

Training...

This journey is getting interesting. This time I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to reach a goal. I want to run a 5K in 45 minutes or less. The race I have picked is the Reiche International 5k on October 20. I have been going to the gym and trying to be more aware of what I eat. As part of my journey I decided that I need a guide, in this case a trainer.

Yesterday I had my first workout session with a trainer. I woke up in terror. I could not believe that I was going to do this to myself. I had to force myself to drive to the gym. But I committed to stepping out of the box so I had to go. When I entered the gym my trainer was right there. She and I sat down for a few minutes of conversation before getting started. The conversation was very straight forward. I learned that no matter what we did she would always have an alternative movement if it was too hard. She told me not to be afraid to speak up, because ultimately her job is to make working out work for me.

When we were done talking we got right into it. To my surprise I was able to do everything she asked me to. We did 4 simple movements in a rotation, and walked on the treadmill between each rotation, and then repeated it 4 times. Towards the end she asked me to go a little faster, and even though it was much harder I was actually able to do it.

It is strange, and probably a little silly, but I feel like I have accomplished something. I feel like I have taken an important first step towards something. Not sure what the end result will be, but I think I am going to enjoy an interesting journey.

Today, I'm going back to the gym.

Me No Touchy

Ever since I was little I've always been odd. The way I react to things has always been very different from the reactions of peers. The difference has always been most notable in my tactile reactions. The feel of a tag on my neck, lotion against my skin, and many creamy, thick, or smooth foods have always caused me to freak out. 

Luckily I believe I have grown out of the tag freak out. This is mostly due to the fact that most of the clothes I buy don't have tags. However I have grown into the extreme dislike of bras. Worst piece of clothing ever. As I have gotten older I have been forced to handle myself in some situations. I have to put lotion/sunblock on even though the feel of it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, because my skin is getting drier with age, and I want to keep my tattoos looking good. I hate it but I do it.

I have also gotten braver about trying new foods, even when they do not have a texture that I like. I can now eat Chinese food, pudding (sometimes, in very small amounts), and milkshakes. There are many foods that still elude me and initiate my gag reflex upon smell or taste. To the surprise of people who don't know me this includes cheese. I was babysitting a few weeks ago and saw some cheese in the fridge. I decided to try a slice to see if I could handle the texture. Let's just say I won't be doing that again any time soon. When it comes to trying these new things, I hate it but I do it. 

So why do my odd reactions matter today? Well today I discovered a new tactile dislike, one that had only been hinted at previously in my life, dripping sweat. I have never really liked sweating, mostly because I tend to be overly concerned with the thoughts and perceptions of others. Most of my life this hasn't been much of an issue. I've never been one to enjoy physical exertion so it didn't matter. This morning was my second trip to the gym. Over the course of 20 minutes I used the treadmill to walk and run. By the time I was done I was dripping sweat. Each drop that made its way down the side of my face freaked me out and made me want to vomit. I guess if I am serious about becoming more fit this is the next tactile challenge I must face. I will hate it, but I will do it. 

There goes the bandwagon. Quick, hop on!

Today I did something I swore I would never do again. I joined a gym. Gyms are scary places, a least to me. The last time I joined a gym I paid a lot of money to not go because I was so intimidated by all the pretty and competent people.

So why did I join this time? A close friend of mine is getting married next year, and is starting her own weight loss journey. I want to be a supportive friend. The best way to do that is by embarking on a similar journey. More importantly, I'm doing this because I am too damn fat.

I have spent most of my life staying firmly inside my comfort zone. I haven't found happiness with the status quo so now it is time to try something new. First step is to join a gym and do some investing in myself. As the commercial says, I'm worth it! Second step, at least once a weak do something outdoors whether I have company or not. Finally, the third step is to work on my confidence.

Today I accomplished step one. I even went to work on the bike. I managed to use it for 22 minutes before my legs cramped up. That is 12 minutes more than I have ever done before. I am taking that as a positive first sign!