Rain, rain, go away

Today's weather fit my mood perfectly. We took our fifth graders on a fifth grade celebration field trip to Range Pond State Park today. All day it was dark, and overcast or raining. I think we saw the sun twice the whole day. The kids still had fun, there was swimming, volleyball, social time, and at least one 5' hole being dug.

To add to the clouds in the sky I had some in my head. See this week is the last week of school and I got the official word that I won't be back at Lyseth to teach fifth grade next year. This doesn't come as much of a surprise, after all I was hired on a one year only contract, and there have been teachers cut due to the budget, so it makes sense that a teacher whose job has been eliminated would transfer to the open position. In fact I have been saying all along that it was likely to happen. It is weird how even though I knew it was likely to happen, when I got the confirmation, it hurt. Yesterday, a fourth grade teacher delivered a letter to me from one of her students. This student was writing to  me because she thought I was going to be her teacher in fifth grade, and she was excited about it. I started to cry as I read the letter. I won't be that little girl's teacher. There is nothing worse than disappointing children.

Wait, I take that back there could be something worse, disappointing myself. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Trying to keep myself together in front of my kids is really hard and takes a toll on me, but I believe they deserve a teacher who is positive and focused on them, so I'm trying really hard. I walked out of school and just wanted to lay down and cry. I didn't want to go to the appointment with my trainer. I wanted to lay down and wallow in my sadness. I thought about it for a bit, and made myself get up, change and go in. I was even there 30 minutes early because I couldn't remember what time we had said. I walked for 20 minutes and then did my hour with my trainer.

I think that if I had wiggled out, made an excuse, and not gone I would have disappointed myself. I'm still sad, I still have time to wallow, but that isn't all I have done today. I have pushed myself. I have tried, and even though I'm not physically fit (AT ALL) I put in my best effort. Now I think I deserve to just sit down and cry a little.