Down

Ever had one of those weeks where your goals aren't being met? Where everything feels like it's crashing down on you and you can't breathe? A week where the stupidest littlest thing cuts you apart and drives you to your vice? Ever had a week where you realize that hope is an evil thing?

I'm having one right now.

It started on Monday when I accidentally slept through my appointment with my trainer. Somehow I had it in my head that I was meeting her at 11, nope 8:30. No big deal rescheduled and went on Tuesday. Haven't been back to the gym this week. I also cannot stop eating. When I weighed myself this morning I had gained back what I lost last week and put on 5 pounds in addition to it. Strike one.

Next I had to start getting ready for summer school which is making me feel overwhelmed. 3 programs that I have never used before, and a 4th that I have no primary experience with, on top of not having taught literacy in two years. I also got a few application rejection letters this week, which is stressing me out because I'm afraid I won't find a job for the fall. Strike two.

I also am always on a quest to find companionship. I'm lonely. Of my close friends I'm the only singleton. That means I spend a lot of time alone. So of course I frequent those free online dating sites. I know, I know, its risky, but hey I'm socially awkward and don't leave the house much so how else will I meet people? Anyway on Sunday a guy messaged me and we started chatting. I thought it was nice, this went on for a few days. It seems that guys that contact me on these sites only want one thing. For a long time I went along with that. I figured, hey I'm fat, I need to take what I can get. I would comply, and sometimes I even enjoyed it, but a lot of the time I didn't, and there were even times when I said no and was bullied into consent. But that isn't the story here. So during the conversation the 'in real life' meeting topic came up. Boy was I excited. I haven't been on a date in 6 or 7 months and we were talking about going to a Sea Dogs game...my favorite dating site. So we were setting up the details for my next day off when I decided that I needed to give him some honesty. I told him how I am more comfortable talking over anonymous forums like texting or email (or blogs apparently), and that I might be shy and awkward at first because it takes time for me to be comfortable around new people. It was nothing against him, it is just who I am. I also told him that I wasn't down with anything besides a game, a meal, and conversation on our first outing. Reasonable right? Guess not. His reply "ok then, take care." I've heard nothing since.

Sadly though that wasn't my strike three. I was actually kind of ok with that. I felt like I had dodged a bullet. That I wasn't going to be putting myself in the same position I've been in so many times where I feel like I have an obligation do do things. I was actually pretty proud of myself. Strike three happened tonight. I got home from work and was checking messages on my phone and noticed I had a message from one of the dating sites. I always love that moment. It is so exciting, it breeds some hope in my heart. Maybe someone wants to get to know me, or thinks I'm funny. I had a message last week from a guy in New York who just wanted to say, "Hey there, You're quite adorable, but I'm so far away! Hope you find what you're looking for on here...cheers!" Swoon a nice message and he even used correct grammar. needless to say I'm not deleting that. Tonight I got this message:

Strike three. I'm out.