After four long years I am once again embarking on my journey. The last four years have been full of times of happiness, times of sadness, times of frustration, and times of joy. Right now I am on a down swing. I am mostly content with myself but am experiencing bouts of loneliness. I love my job but I am feeling very overwhelmed and useless. Generally speaking I feel like I have no control over my life. Today I took a step that I control.
Over the last few weeks I have been trying to be a good friend by listening and being fully present as my friends go through a tough time. Over a drink with one of my friends this past weekend we spent some time chatting about what is going on in my life and I mentioned how I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed. My friend asked me why I hadn't contacted my doctor to get back on depression meds that I had previously been on. I deferred and made up an excuse but realized that the reason I don't want to do this is because I don't want to hear from my doctor how my blood pressure is creeping up with every visit. I didn't want to feel shamed by this (I should note my doctor does not shame me, she is matter of fact and truthful, my shame in this instance comes from within).
Through the course of being present to help my friends I had suggested to one of them that doing something physical would help with their emotions. "Join a gym," I said, "Give yourself an outlet to release those feelings you are holding in." This weekend during some much needed alone time I realized what a hypocrite I have been. I am feeling negative emotions, I am holding them in, and I am not taking my own advice!
So once again I am a member of a gym. I started with a 7 day free pass, but when I got to the gym I liked the atmosphere, the fact that there weren't a lot of people, and I'll admit, I was somewhat swayed by the handsome attendant who had a good sales pitch. So after chatting with the attendant for an hour, and getting a tour. I stayed to do some cardio.
One of the hardest things about today was actually taking that first step. I had planned to. I had a bag packed and ready to go in the car. I went through my typical day, 6-3 at school and then a 2.5 hour meeting afterwards. I was tired, I was cranky, I was a little shaky from not having eaten anything, and I just wanted to go home. I wasn't sure I was actually going to go to the gym until I was in my car driving there. I am scared to do this. I always give up on myself. I will encourage others all day long, but I don't take care of myself. I am scared I am going to give up. I am scared I am going to quit. Today I didn't quit.
Today was a good day.
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