Weakness ensues

This week I haven't done well. I have been too lazy to go to the gym. Yes I can say that I am adjusting to a new schedule, working evenings instead of days, and that I'm giving myself time recover from the school year, but you and I both know those are excuses. I was lazy. Today I paid the price.

Today I met with my trainer for the first time in over a week. She went to a national track and field competition where she placed eighth in her event. I would include a link, but I can't find it :-( So as a result for a week I had no one to answer to. End of las
t week I did ok, made it to the gym with Becky. Even did most of a zumba class on Sunday until I got sick. Since then though I have done nothing.

Today I went in to meet Bo'B my trainer (her name is Becky, but to differentiate from a certain someone I know who is getting married next year, I will call my trainer Bo'B which are her initials anyway), I think it was the hardest session I have had yet, and not just because she changes up the exercises every time, but because I hadn't been moving and I think my muscles were getting weaker again.

When I arrived at the gym Bo'B and I  chatted for a bit. I told her that I wasn't feeling good about my progress this week. I always do better when there is someone who expects something of me, and with her being away it felt like I didn't have anyone to answer to, so I slacked off. I then did something that I have never in my life done, I asked for homework. I asked for one or two exercises that I can do at home or at the gym, that will continue to build my muscle and strengthen my weak body. Exercises that I can do even when I am too lazy to leave my house.  She is so great that she agreed to help and will be 'checking in' on my homework. I really lucked out when I chose her to be my trainer.

Today's session was really hard after not moving much the last few days. I was dripping with sweat (which I detest), but I did it. Bo'B even mentioned that she thought my range of motion was getting better. I am taking this as a win since I didn't want to go today and I had to force myself to leave the book I'm reading (by Tony Danza about his year teaching English). As always I feel better about myself because I did it.

I plan on hitting the gym tomorrow morning before work. I have a couple day passes, anyone want to come with me?

Rain, rain, go away

Today's weather fit my mood perfectly. We took our fifth graders on a fifth grade celebration field trip to Range Pond State Park today. All day it was dark, and overcast or raining. I think we saw the sun twice the whole day. The kids still had fun, there was swimming, volleyball, social time, and at least one 5' hole being dug.

To add to the clouds in the sky I had some in my head. See this week is the last week of school and I got the official word that I won't be back at Lyseth to teach fifth grade next year. This doesn't come as much of a surprise, after all I was hired on a one year only contract, and there have been teachers cut due to the budget, so it makes sense that a teacher whose job has been eliminated would transfer to the open position. In fact I have been saying all along that it was likely to happen. It is weird how even though I knew it was likely to happen, when I got the confirmation, it hurt. Yesterday, a fourth grade teacher delivered a letter to me from one of her students. This student was writing to  me because she thought I was going to be her teacher in fifth grade, and she was excited about it. I started to cry as I read the letter. I won't be that little girl's teacher. There is nothing worse than disappointing children.

Wait, I take that back there could be something worse, disappointing myself. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Trying to keep myself together in front of my kids is really hard and takes a toll on me, but I believe they deserve a teacher who is positive and focused on them, so I'm trying really hard. I walked out of school and just wanted to lay down and cry. I didn't want to go to the appointment with my trainer. I wanted to lay down and wallow in my sadness. I thought about it for a bit, and made myself get up, change and go in. I was even there 30 minutes early because I couldn't remember what time we had said. I walked for 20 minutes and then did my hour with my trainer.

I think that if I had wiggled out, made an excuse, and not gone I would have disappointed myself. I'm still sad, I still have time to wallow, but that isn't all I have done today. I have pushed myself. I have tried, and even though I'm not physically fit (AT ALL) I put in my best effort. Now I think I deserve to just sit down and cry a little.

Four times in one....

 No this isn't just a gratuitous shot of my amazing tattoo. This is a picture of fat. Lots of disgusting fat. Right now this particular fat, or rather the muscles underneath, are pretty sore. That's because I've been to the gym 4 times this week, and twice to see the trainer!

Today I got home from work and was really tired, and I did NOT want to go to the gym. I went though, and kept my appointment with the trainer without making up excuses. I am so proud of myself for going. I feel good, even though I'm sore. I actually did 60 crunches today. 60! This is unheard of. 

Feeling proud of myself for something I'm doing is a kind of new feeling for me. It could be argued that I have a lot to be proud of; I teach, I have a master's degree, and I'm a good friend and daughter. The thing is though, I do all of those things for other people. I teach because I enjoy watching children gain understanding and knowledge. I got my Master's degree so that I could be a better teacher. I'm a good friend and daughter because I care. I don't do any of those things for me. So even though I'm proud of what I have accomplished, they have never really generated a feeling of pride in me, and in who I am. Doing this, going to the gym, especially when I don't want to, is making me proud. It is making me think that I can do this, I can become fit. 

Training...

This journey is getting interesting. This time I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to reach a goal. I want to run a 5K in 45 minutes or less. The race I have picked is the Reiche International 5k on October 20. I have been going to the gym and trying to be more aware of what I eat. As part of my journey I decided that I need a guide, in this case a trainer.

Yesterday I had my first workout session with a trainer. I woke up in terror. I could not believe that I was going to do this to myself. I had to force myself to drive to the gym. But I committed to stepping out of the box so I had to go. When I entered the gym my trainer was right there. She and I sat down for a few minutes of conversation before getting started. The conversation was very straight forward. I learned that no matter what we did she would always have an alternative movement if it was too hard. She told me not to be afraid to speak up, because ultimately her job is to make working out work for me.

When we were done talking we got right into it. To my surprise I was able to do everything she asked me to. We did 4 simple movements in a rotation, and walked on the treadmill between each rotation, and then repeated it 4 times. Towards the end she asked me to go a little faster, and even though it was much harder I was actually able to do it.

It is strange, and probably a little silly, but I feel like I have accomplished something. I feel like I have taken an important first step towards something. Not sure what the end result will be, but I think I am going to enjoy an interesting journey.

Today, I'm going back to the gym.

Me No Touchy

Ever since I was little I've always been odd. The way I react to things has always been very different from the reactions of peers. The difference has always been most notable in my tactile reactions. The feel of a tag on my neck, lotion against my skin, and many creamy, thick, or smooth foods have always caused me to freak out. 

Luckily I believe I have grown out of the tag freak out. This is mostly due to the fact that most of the clothes I buy don't have tags. However I have grown into the extreme dislike of bras. Worst piece of clothing ever. As I have gotten older I have been forced to handle myself in some situations. I have to put lotion/sunblock on even though the feel of it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, because my skin is getting drier with age, and I want to keep my tattoos looking good. I hate it but I do it.

I have also gotten braver about trying new foods, even when they do not have a texture that I like. I can now eat Chinese food, pudding (sometimes, in very small amounts), and milkshakes. There are many foods that still elude me and initiate my gag reflex upon smell or taste. To the surprise of people who don't know me this includes cheese. I was babysitting a few weeks ago and saw some cheese in the fridge. I decided to try a slice to see if I could handle the texture. Let's just say I won't be doing that again any time soon. When it comes to trying these new things, I hate it but I do it. 

So why do my odd reactions matter today? Well today I discovered a new tactile dislike, one that had only been hinted at previously in my life, dripping sweat. I have never really liked sweating, mostly because I tend to be overly concerned with the thoughts and perceptions of others. Most of my life this hasn't been much of an issue. I've never been one to enjoy physical exertion so it didn't matter. This morning was my second trip to the gym. Over the course of 20 minutes I used the treadmill to walk and run. By the time I was done I was dripping sweat. Each drop that made its way down the side of my face freaked me out and made me want to vomit. I guess if I am serious about becoming more fit this is the next tactile challenge I must face. I will hate it, but I will do it.